Monday, March 29
9:50 pm
let's just say that if i still had a mood counter, there'd be a tiny volcano spewing forth lava and swear words in place of this
i am in the world's worst mood. and i don't even want to talk about it, that's how bad it is. but everyone's gotta have an outlet - some have art, some have music... i have good, old-fashioned bitchery.
so you know what really yanks my chain? idiots. (but you already knew that, didn't you?) today's spotlight is on a special strain of idiot, the spellifus terribliis. though loosely linked by a common trait, bad spelling, their characteristics may further divide them into more specific categories. in the interest of time, however, we'll focus now on idiots that can't spell swear words.
first off, i have to clarify, i'm not referring to the type of idiot that hails from, say, china, and can't yet grasp the difference between "fuck" and "intercourse". the idiots i'm referring to are, sadly enough, worse. they want to be part of (what qualifies in their pathetic heads as) the in crowd, and try hard to emulate the whole hip swearing thing and fail fail fail. because, dear reader, these idiots are also concerned about their immortal souls and, while wanting to be all badass now, fear that they'll end up going to the same hell that the cool people are indubitably headed towards. so what they do, and pay attention - you'll be tested on this bit, is to mix up or blank out some letters in the swear word! isn't that just brilliant?
so "fucking" becomes "fcuking", and "shit" becomes "sh*t". forgive my colloquialism here, but if you're too much of a fucking pussy to use the words and use them damn hell properly, then don't bloody use them to begin with, alright? is it very much better to spell it "farking" instead? is it? leaving aside the people farking that way for certain effect, the ones that are left just need a thorough bitch slappin' from My Man B.
i mean, do you honestly think that by spelling that way, it's any less offensive or damning? is your mother any prouder of her precious because she Just Said No to that swearing thing that all the ruffians indulge in? will you, with strategically placed "*"s and "!"s, bypass hell and go, dilbert-style, to heck instead? ooh, ooh, do you wanna know what i think? GET A LIFE ALREADY.
oh, screw it. i've used up my daily ration of raging bitterness. on to the good bits! namely,
happy birthday, jac!
you're no longer eligible for our "teenage angst" plan, but we hope you've enjoyed our pms service so far. soon, you'll be eligible for our "i'm pregnant, dammit!" scheme, followed by our golden years loyalty reward, the ever-reliable "hot flash" facility!
have a great one, sweetie.
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